Coming Soon…

Leave a reply

RELAUNCH!

I done got my blog a new face and it’s purdy, ya’ll!!!

Joe is working on getting all this gizmos working in the next couple weeks.  So I don’t know when the relaunch will be happening other than it will be happening in the near-ish future.

Anyway.  I haven’t been posting lately.  Obviously.  But for good reason!

I am working on a super duper huge project that has entirely consumed my life.   I have been neglecting pretty much all things to work on this project (sorry friends!).  I am in love with it.  Utterly consumed by twitterpation over it.

Every minute not working on this project (or eating ice cream) is agony.  AGONY!

So blogging will have to take a backseat until December (crosses fingers) when I plan to be done with it.

Unfortunately, I can’t talk about it.  It’s a tender little baby.  Tender babies just can’t take all those small people out there with their small meddling opinions so I’m cuddling it close for now.

(But really I’m bursting to talk about it!)

Anywhooo… I’ll be back soon guys.  Hope you are all doing well 🙂

XOXO

When Happiness Isn’t a Choice… It’s a Vitamin!

1 Reply

At some point, you just need to choose to be happy.

That’s what people in your life say when you’re depressed again and they’re tired of it.  Even your therapist will say it and when she does you’ll want to kick her the balls she doesn’t have because you’ve been paying her $400 a month.  She says it because she’s just as frustrated as you are.  None of the usual tricks are sticking. Not the yoga, meditation, or medication.  She feels she’s failed and is projecting even though she’s not supposed to.  She doesn’t even realize she’s doing it.  In the end, she quits showing up to sessions, not you.  She’s the best therapist you’ve ever had so you don’t hold it against her.

So what now?  Run more?  Write more?  Mediate more?  More. More. More. But you’re exhausted and there isn’t another more left in you.

That’s where I found myself a couple months ago, in a state of no more.  Gripped by a fatigue that didn’t make sense, but that’s how it always starts.  The tired comes before the unshakable gloom, regardless of my protests and precautions.  Regardless of how many YOU ARE NOT ALLOWEDs I scream at myself.  The gloom advances.  Life gets heavier, my mind foggier.  Opportunities slip by and time is lost forever all because I was tired.

This time doing more of the same wasn’t an option, so I did different.  I went to a homeopathic MD.  We went over my medical history, previous diagnoses, and everything I was doing that wasn’t really working. Mostly I talked about the tired.  After looking at my blood work, her suspicions were confirmed.  I was deficient on vitamins D & B12 and my thyroid was “sluggish.”

“No wonder your tired.  You need to take vitamins.”

“But I already take vitamins,” I half whine.

“You need to take more.  Therapeutic doses.”

“You’re lucky I’m desperate lady,” is what I want to say instead of  just “Ok,” as she hands me a list of vitamins to pick up and details on dosage. Instead of prescribing thyroid hormone, she hands me a prescriptions for iodine.  Weak sauce.  I was hoping for drugs.  Something with a punch.  But no, I get vitamins and iodine.

I sulked.  More of the same.  Again. Square one.  Again.  Hopelessness.  Again.  There’s no way in hell this will work.  Again.

Despite my pessimism, I faithfully choked down 10+ horse pills with rusty iodine water every morning.  I’m glad I did too.  By the end of week one, the fatigue lifted and the gloom was gone.  More than 2 months later, treatment is still sticking.  This treatment worked better and faster than any other method I’ve tried, but it hasn’t been without trial.  After two amazing weeks on treatment, I got sick.  Really sick.  Fever, fatigue, stomach cramps, water retention, and a sudden wheat allergy put me to bed for a day thinking Well, it was great while it lasted, sure it was the end of my brief stint with normalcy.  But it turns out it was just a glitch my doctor likes to refer to as a “healing crisis.”  This occurs when your body detoxes too quickly and you kinda poison yourself with all the crap you’ve built up over the years, in my case it was a lot of bromide (Thank you Mountain Dew for that). So after a slight dose recalibration the pep is back in my step. I read faster, focus longer, and have the urge to bust out a cartwheel in the most appropriately inappropriate locations, like the ladies room at work (I wash my hands afterward, promise).

I feel like I’ve been given new life and all the energy I need to live it.   Now back to writing and revising OH MY!

 

 

Death Spiral of Doom: The Results

Leave a reply

I did it.

I completed everything on my Should List in a 24 hour period.  I even managed a trip to the pharmacy and bathroom breaks.  I even allowed myself time for breathing and blinking!

So…

Did completing my Should List make me feel fulfilled and functional?  Happy and relaxed?  Is it maintainable?

No. No. And NO.

Did I over estimate time allotments per task?  Yes.  Many of them.

Am I expecting too much of myself?  YES.

At the end of my experiment, I felt a faint sense of accomplishment for having completed my goal, but mostly I felt should on.

My entire day was eaten up by tedious tasks.  Tedious tasks I didn’t enjoy.  Tedious tasks that had little to no impact on my well-being.  Seriously.  In fifty years, is it going to matter that I shaved my armpits everyday?  That there was never a pile of dirty clothes in my bathroom?  That I always went to bed on time?

I can see it now…

Gee Grandma,  I’m so glad you never went a day with hairy legs!

What a travesty that would’ve been.  The course of history forever changed by my body hair.

I AM THAT SPECIAL.

But is it going to matter that I took care of my body by eating well and exercising?  That I got my writing done?  That I spent my days enjoying my time?

YES. YES. YES.

I know this.  I knew it before I started this experiment.  And yet, I left all the important tasks for last.  When I was drained.  I rushed through walks with my dog, half-assed my workout routine, and barely got any solid writing done.

But hey!  My house was tidy!  I got those dishes done!

My mind divided screams You’ll never be happy unless you do less!  No!  You’ll never be happy unless you do more! While I scream Why can’t I ever win?!?!

So I’m working on a happy medium.  Something more flexible.  Something less all or nothing.  I started by putting important things first.  My day begins early (not quite as early as 6am) with pooch time, a healthy breakfast, and writing.  Writing takes up the bulk of my mornings.  It has for awhile, but it’s different now.  Now I won’t let myself feel guilty about all the other more important things I should be doing instead, like ironing my underwear.  Everyone knows you can’t ever be happy unless you iron your underwear. Pfff! Duh…

I deemed writing most important and so it became.  This slight shift in thinking dramatically boosted my well-being.  I let myself win!  I know it sounds silly, but I lived most of my life carrying guilt for all the things I should’ve been doing instead of whatever I happened to be doing moment to moment.  When I accomplished a goal, it didn’t matter.  My inner-critic started tapping her foot and shaking her head. 

No, no.  You should’ve done this instead. And this and this and this all at the same time if you were so great.

Or…

Do you know how many single moms are out there right now working jobs they hate just to put food on the table while you sit here sipping coffee and scribbling?  GET A REAL JOB!!!

It was a state of perpetual loss.  No possiblity of winning, not ever.  Not even a pat on the back.

I still battle this mentality.  Especially when New Year’s rolls around, but I get quicker and quicker about calling bullshit on my inner critic and sloughing off the resentment of others.

Because if there’s one thing I learned much too late in life, it’s that you don’t win any points for guilt and misery and it doesn’t convince anyone that you deserve the opportunities you have.

 

 

The Year of the Dragon

2 Replies

According to Chinese tradition, the year of the Dragon will be marked by excitement, unpredictability, exhilaration and intensity.

In the spirit of the Dragon, Joe and I resolved to travel more.  This year we’ll take last minute weekend trips.  We’ll fly somewhere every 3 months.  We’ll make it a priority to just get the hell out of town.  Just do it! No matter what! is our motto this year.

So after 9 years, Joe and I just did it.  We planned our first trip as a couple.  Destination: San Francisco, CA!  Plan tickets were purchased, reservations were made, spirits flew high… and then all hell broke loose.

In the days leading up to our departure, we realized Joe’s dad was getting married that same weekend and we were supposed to be there, our dog attempted suicide via raisins ($$$), Joe got buried in work, I caught a cold, my Xanax prescription (that I got specifically for flying) expired and I got my period.

We waffled.  Maybe this Just do it! thing isn’t such a great idea.  Maybe flying by the seat of your pants only works for people who put important dates on a calendar.  May we should get organized before we travel.  Maybe we should wait to see if the dog dies first.  Maybe we should wait until I’m less bloated.  Maybe we should wait until life is fucking PERFECT!

We were defeated, ready to call the trip off.  I sat at the kitchen table and cried.

“How do other people do this when there’s always a shit storm raging somewhere?” I asked Joe.

“I don’t know.  They just do it… no matter what.”

“So why can’t we?”

“We can.”

And we did.  We left town with dirty dishes in the sink and loose ends wreathing at our feet.  We gave everyone else’s agenda the finger and gave ours priority.  And guess what?

We had a great time!

It was Joe’s first time in San Francisco so we did the tourist thing.  We took a bus tour of the city and ate dinner at the Wharf.  We watched sea lions on Pier 39, walked through Golden Gate Park and took a terrifyingly beautiful drive down Highway 1.  Of the 3 beloved friends we hoped to see there, we met up with none, but that’s okay.  We’ll be back soon.  Because we’re people who travel now.

Next Stop:  Portlandia!!!

Even though Joe’s car BROKE DOWN the day after we got back from San Francisco… No matter what, right?  RIGHT?!?  *whimper*

Death Spiral of Doom

5 Replies

Like most women who grew up watching Oprah, I have unrealistic expectations for myself.  This is particuarly true when it comes to New Year’s Resolutions.  This year my resolutions are to lose 35 pounds, cook more meals at home using whole foods and create a more consistent writing schedule.  After assessing my goals as manageable, I made a plan.  And by plan, I mean “should” on myself.

I made a list of everything I should be doing every single day to achieve my goals for the year.  Below is the detailed list I created including time allotments for each task.

  • Get up at 6am (0 mins)
  • Dress for workout (2 mins)
  • Go for run/walk or lift weights (60-90 mins)
  • Walk dog around block (10 mins)
  • Shower (15 mins)
  • Get dressed for the day (5 mins)
  • Apply moisturizer/sunscreen (1 min)
  • Style hair (15 mins)
  • Apply make-up (5 mins)
  • Brush teeth (1 mins)
  • Floss teeth (.25 mins)
  • Make & eat breakfast (30 mins)
  • Write (120-240 mins)
  • Feed dog (2 mins)
  • Brush dog teeth (2 mins)
  • Feed cat (.5 mins)
  • Make bed (5 mins)
  • Take meds & supplements (2 mins)
  • Make & eat lunch (30 mins)
  • Work (360 mins)
  • Take dog to park (30 mins)
  • Make & eat dinner (60 mins)
  • Brush dog (5 mins)
  • Brush cat (5 mins)
  • Dust mop floor (10 mins)
  • Clean Roomba and turn on (5 mins)
  • Clean catbox (1 min)
  • Load laundry (5 mins)
  • Fold laundry (15 mins)
  • Put clothes away (10 mins)
  • Do dishes (10 mins)
  • Sanitize counter tops (5 mins)
  • Hobby time: sing/guitar/piano/sew/ draw/etc (30 mins)
  • Wash face & apply moisturizer (1 min)
  • Dress for bed (2 mins)
  • Read literature (30-60 mins)
  • Limit calorie intake to  1500 maximum (0 mins)
  • Go to bed by 10:30pm (0 mins)

Total time approximately 17 hours.

Wow.  Whose super productive, tidy life have a stolen and postured as my own?!?! Because this is not my life by any semblance of reality.

When I start my Resolution Shoulding Planning, my resolutions multiple exponentially and I enter into what I call the Death Spiral of Doom.  I start to hyperventilate.

In order to achieve my goals, I need to revamp my entire lifestyle.  Now. Today. Not tomorrow. Not next year. I need to be perfect.  I need to be the most responsible adult that ever existed.  I must plan every minute of every day or everything will spiral out of control and I will end up an obese woman who numbs the pain of her banal existence with cheetos, ice cream and reality television, which of course leads to working the drive thru at a McDonald’s in Louisiana and having bad skin.  REALLY BAD SKIN.

This list doesn’t even include the things I should be doing weekly to maintain my fitter, happier, more productive life style like grocery shopping, Brazilian waxes, vacuuming and mopping the floors.  Then there’s the monthly things like budgeting, paying bills, giving the animals their heart worm pills and massages.  WHY IS BEING HEALTHY SO HARD?!?! And I only work part-time right now.  What will happen when I work full-time again? What about my social life?  What about writer’s group?

During the “planning” process Resolutions 1-3 morphed into many.  Make bed?  I almost never do that so that’s #4.  A load of laundry a day?  I don’t do that. What does that have to do with weight loss, cooking, or writing? Sure I’d love to be a person who does laundry everyday so it doesn’t pile up, but seriously no. That’s unexpected Resulotion #5. Get up by 6am? Resolution #6. Bed by 10:30pm #7. Floss everyday #8. Make-up and moisturizer #9 and 10. Wear clothes to bed instead of just my underwear? Who is this person? #11.

Am I expecting too much of myself or have I seriously misjudged the time allotments for each task?  I’m not sure.  I don’t know what other people do with their lives.  I imagine super productive people (like my mother-in-law) are capable of doing all these things and more each day.  I’ve had those days, but they’re few and far between.  Most days I spend at least 1 or 2 hours surfing the web and learning useless facts on Wikipedia.  My new lifestyle would never allow this.  Okay. Maybe on the weekends. For 5 minutes or less.

So I’m going to conduct an experiment.  I’m going to complete everything listed above for 1 day.  I’m going to time each task and report back to you.  Are my expectations too high?  Or am I making the simplest task into mountains with miscalculated time?

We’ll see…

I’m a NANOWRIMO Loser… Sort Of…

2 Replies

I didn’t win NANOWRIMO this year… again.  My final word count was about 18,000 words short of an official win, so officially I failed.  My fail this year was due to one giant reason, a reason that can be easily remedied and will be remedied when I tackle NANOWRIMO  next year.

I  wrote the whole thing BY HAND.

I know some of you just laughed and possible added a “What an idiot!” to the end of that laugh.  So why would anyone possibly make such a silly decision? Because paper is not attached to the internet and I am no longer allowed to possess a laptop. (I almost set our bed on fire with the last one and was banished to the realm of desktop-dom forevermore by Lord Joe of Electronics)  That’s why.

Writing by hand wasn’t all bad tho.  A notebook is so much easier to lug around than a laptop, the battery never dies, and my flow is never interrupted by misspelled words.  That part was awesome.

My whole “this will help me not be distracted by the internet” rational was total crap tho.  I have internet on my phone, Twitter and Facebook were a touch away everywhere I went, every second of the day and then half the time I was writing at my desk in front of my desktop.  Internet escape failure.

Furthermore, I’m an overzealous pen gripper so writing by hand made the tendonitis in my arm flair up like really bad 80’s hair.

Next year, I’m going to use a device with a keyboard.  No question.

Now let’s talk about the part where I totally won NANOWRIMO this year!  I fell in love my story, my main character is awesome (I renamed her Mirry, short for Miranda), delightful new characters kept walking into scenes unexpectedly, my dialogue flowed effortlessly, and the way I viewed myself as a writer changed in some very important, positive ways.

I felt like a real writer during NANOWRIMO this year, a writer who finishes, a writer who publishes, a writer who people like to read.  There were even moments when I looked up from my page and realized I was writing from a place of calm confidence, that place of calm confidence I imagine real writers write from all the time.  The only nagging anxiety I felt was about finishing my word count on time, not about doubt in my ability to finish at all.

Just as I wrote the paragraph above my Inner Critic walked center stage, took a drag off her cigarette (she really should stop smoking, she’s starting to look crispy crusty around the mouth).  “HELLOOOOOO!  You didn’t finish.  You’re a loser.  You know you are. Read the damn title of your post.  Let me guess.  Next your gonna tell everyone how your still working on the book and how your so super psyched about finishing the first draft, right?  Ha!  That won’t last.  You won’t finish. “

She is soooooooooooo mean!

But she was right about one thing.  I am still working on my story.  I am super psyched about finishing the first draft.  I’m not so psyched about tackling the first round of revision, especially the part where I type the whole thing up.  GAK!  But I am going to finish.  I promised myself I would finish.  I’ve gotten pretty awesome at keeping the promises I make to myself as of late.  My Inner Critic hasn’t caught on to that yet.  She can fuck off.

Overall, I rate my performance during NANOWRIMO as a B-.  Above average, respectable, but not valedictorian worthy.  I almost gave myself an A-, but since I didn’t actually reach 50,000 words I didn’t think an A rating was appropriate.  Yes, I grade myself.  I spent 18 years of my life in a system based on letter grades.  It’s a hard paradigm to kick.

NANOWRIMO 2011

4 Replies

NANOWRIMO (pronounces nano-wreemo or nano-rye-mo, whichever you prefer) happens every November.  Writers across the world form groups and meet in coffeeshops to crank out words and encourage each other when you reach that point around 8,000 words when you want to cry because it’s terrible, you don’t know where the story is going, and you feel like a worthless writer. DAMN YOU SHITTY FIRST DRAFTS!!! is all that echos through your universe and your whole body screams JUST STOP WE CAN’T TAKE ANOTHER CORTISOL RUSH! YOU’RE KILLING US! YOU’RE KILLING US!  Okay… that’s a hyperbole and those of you unfamiliar with NANOWRIMO still have not idea what I’m talking about do you?

NANOWRIMO stands for National Novel Writing Month.  The goal is to write 50,000 words (from scratch) in 30 days.  A whole novel in a month.  Sounds terrifying, right?  It doesn’t have to be.  Nobody said it had to be a good novel.  Quantity, not quality is the goal.  It’s 30 days out of the year you are allowed and encouraged to tell your inner critic to shut the hell up and get out of the way. Amen to that.

For details and/or to join the challenge, check our their website! (The sponsor all sorts of other cool stuff like youth writing programs, and Script Frenzy!)

This is my 3rd attempt.  My first year I think I only made it to 5,000 words before my critic knit picked my story to death and told me I was no good.  My second year, I doubled that number and made it to 10,000 words before “life” got in the way.  Whatever.  I got scared.  It’s a lot easier to think you can do something better than the next guy than to actually do it and find out you SUCK.  So no more making fun of Jackson Pollack, okay?  That swirly paint ain’t easy.

This year I’m taking it easy on myself.  I’m not doing sci-fi or fantasy or historical fiction.  Building worlds takes a whole lot of research that NANOWRIMO doesn’t allow for so this year I’m working on character development and dialogue.  I’m going for “light” fiction instead of literature. Which seems like the logical place to start, but I like to be hard on myself.  Anyway…

This year, my story is about Ana (short of Anastasia), a junior high reading teacher with a masters in British Literature.  She’s laid off after her first year teaching because of budget cuts.  The economy tanks so she takes a sales associate position at Walgreens to make ends meet in the short term while she applies for teaching positions.  She has a long distance relationship with David (pronounced dah-veed) because his great grandmother was from Spain.  She keeps her job situation a secret and tells her family and friends she’s still teaching.  But in the mean time she’s struggling to find a way to value herself outside of a career. Plus, there are all sorts of characters that come through her life at Wal-Greens, especially on the rare occasions she gets to work the 1-hour photo booth.  My goal is to make it insightful, self-depricating, and funny… like me!

I chose this story line because it’s happening now.  This one is for all the people out there who played by the rules, did everything right and found themselves in an economy that couldn’t support them. I love you guys!

I’m finishing this one for all of you.

So I’ll keep you updated on my progress, I’ll come back to whine frequently and tell you what my inner critic thinks of my work and then we’ll collectively squash that bitch because WHO DOES SHE THINK SHE IS WALKING AROUND IN THOSE RED PLEATHER PANTS SAYIN’ I SUCK?!?!?!

 

Texas Book Festival: Lisa Loeb (!!!)

Leave a reply

Where have a been?  Feeling yuckers!  I am in a rut 500 hundred miles deep.  That’s where I am.  And I’m bloated. And my ability to focus is like… what? what? what?  Right now.  And my grammar?  Terrible.  Not that that’s out of the ordinary.  I’m really terrible at proofreading my own work.  I see what’s in my head, not what’s on the screen.  I’m sure I’ll hit post and then obsessively re-read my work every 20 minutes and find I have spelled not a single word correctly.

Anyway, this past weekend Joe and I ventured out to the Texas Book Festival for Literary Death Match just to see little Lisa Loeb in her little sequenced skirt in her little blue glasses.  Everything about her is little like orphan Annie and all I wanted to do was squeeze her really, really hard around her little itty bitty body.  But I didn’t.  I bought her book instead.  Then she was nice enough to sign it while I looked at her and went tee-HEEE! I wanted to tell her about all the times I lip synched to her songs in the bathroom, how I made all the faces and held the guitar I didn’t actually learned how to play for another 8 years, how I used to play Garden Delights on repeat and then prayed for forgiveness because of those little lyrics describing a boy as jesus on a bedly cross that made my belly feel all loosey goosey, how she was probably my gate way drug out of Mormonism, and how omg I want to be you.  But I didn’t.  Because I was buying a children’s book for my nephew and I didn’t want to scare her with tales from my teenage angst tragedy.  It’s happened before. Like that time I scared the lead singer of a Dutch country band so much that he was scared to open the door for the pizza deliver guy later that night and then wrote about it on his blog… BUT I DIGRESS…

I told Lisa about my nephew instead, how he loves to sing and dance and how I couldn’t wait to listen to her Silly Sing-Along album with him.  I haven’t heard the whole album yet, but I did happen to see her perform in the children’s tent at the festival and I have to say these are songs I can totally get into as an adult in a none teenage angst kind of way.  Definitely, pick up a copy at your local indie bookstore when you get the chance, even if you don’t have kids because she’s so much fun!  Check out the free preview below courtesy of KSGR.